The best piece of advice I was ever given as a teacher was simple: set them up for success.
(This is Amanda, but several of us here have backgrounds in education)

Not just in the classroom, but in every interaction and especially when there is a conflict or emotions are raw.  The best thing we can do is coach, guide, and support kids so they can practice getting out of a difficult situation, learn to problem solve, and associate setbacks and conflict with asking for help and a positive resolution.

That idea becomes especially important, and much harder, when you’re parenting with Complex PTSD and/or working through your own childhood trauma.

If you grew up in chaos, unpredictability, or emotional instability, parenting can feel like walking into a minefield you didn’t build, but one you still have to navigate. Most of us are writing the book as we go, without a clear model, without a steady reference point, and without a sense of what “normal” is supposed to feel like.

So we default to what is familiar.

If your family handled conflict by yelling, you may hear that same tone come out of you.
If conflict was avoided, you may shut down or let things go.
If love felt inconsistent, you may feel urgency to control behavior or fix things quickly.

Not because you want to, but because it’s what your nervous system knows.

And when your child does something wrong, it doesn’t just feel frustrating. It can feel unsafe, overwhelming, or urgent, like something needs to be fixed immediately. That’s often an emotional flashback. 

From there, parenting tends to swing in two directions: overreaction or avoidance. We either flee, or are consumed by anger and justice.
Either way, it doesn’t actually teach your child what to do instead. 

So the goal isn’t perfection. It’s interruption.

First, notice when you’re activated: that spike of anger, shutdown, or urgency.
Second, pause long enough to regulate: even if that means stepping away and coming back (this is the hardest but most effective one for me).
Third, shift from correcting to coaching: focus on what your child should do to get out of whatever conflict y’all are in, not just what they did wrong.

Instead of reacting, you’re teaching.
Instead of controlling, you’re guiding.
Instead of repeating patterns, you’re changing them.

You don’t have to be their friend, but you do need to be their advocate. And if you can’t do that in the moment, the work becomes learning how to regulate yourself enough to get there more often.

That’s how you set them up for success.
And that’s how you start doing something different than what was done to you.

If this feels familiar and you’re ready for support, our therapists understand how trauma parenting overlap. we get it, and we’re here to help you build a different way forward. Give us a call at 346-901-7309 or click here to schedule an appointment or to learn more.